And it's got a five star rating on Amazon.
So it must be good.
Trust me.
I know.
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
ON SALE: Magnum Thrax FREE March 13th and 14th (this Friday and Saturday)!
Magnum Thrax and the Amusement Park of Doom will be FREE this Friday and Saturday. All day.
This Video Will Make You Angry
Just being a good thought germ vector. For more on memes, read Richard Dawkin's The Selfish Gene.
Friday, March 6, 2015
Take that, tinnitus!
I wasn't going to post about tinnitus again because, well, this is the internets, and you know what that's like.
But the case of Robert McIndoe, 52, made me reconsider.
A lot of medical professionals think tinnitus is a minor problem, and for many, it is.
But it wasn't for Mr. McIndoe.
It was drove him over the edge. He got it about a month before I did and didn't sleep for three months. He tried acupuncture, alternative medicine, and visited three hospitals and two doctors. But he didn't get help in time.
First he tried to kill himself with an overdose of sleeping pills, and then later he stabbed himself to death. From the inquest:
'Having said that, the fact that this man repeatedly requested referral and walked across London from hospital to hospital, paid for private consultation, was seen by an ENT specialist and a psychiatrist, but had not started treatment three months after damage to his ears, is a shameful reflection of professional communications and access to services in the NHS.'
I, too, was knocked off kilter by the initial onset of tinnitus. At first I thought it would be a mere nuisance, that it would go away, that it would get better and everything would return to normal. But it didn't.
The big difference between Mr. McIndoe and I is that, one, I imagine his tinnitus was much worse than mine, and two, I thankfully got better medical care.
After three months of not sleeping I began to think my future was limited. I went so far as to make out my will. From the article, it seems Mr. McIndoe took steps along these lines as well.
It's understandable. My reasoning was shot, I felt dizzy, constantly nauseous but endlessly hungry, had migraines, saw spots, and experienced sensations in my head I'd never felt before and would rather not feel again.
The initial shock of tinnitus leads to poor decision making. No question about it. Sleep deprivation makes it worse. Three months with no sleep and a smoke alarm going off constantly beside your ear will make you do funny things.
So I sympathize with this guy.
If you have recently acquired tinnitus, first, you have my sympathies, believe me. Secondly and more importantly, know that it does get better. There is hope. As you have no doubt already read, the first three months are the worst. They're right. That seems pretty standard among sufferers, and it's what I read on discussion forums over and over.
After three months, you start putting together coping mechanisms that help you deal with the noise.
Early on I spent one night at the foot of my fridge on the kitchen floor because it was loud and emitted a noise close to the tinnitus. And there's a bathroom on the second floor where I work that I like because the fluorescent light bulb emits a loud, obnoxious hum that masks the ringing.
You'll never view sound quite the same way again.
The first thing you need to do is get sleep again. That's priority number one, as it will make you much, much stronger and more capable of dealing with tinnitus.
The solution for me was Remeron, which is primarily an anti-depressant. The doctor I was dealing with seemed to think this (depression) was my primary problem, and after dealing with tinnitus and sleeplessness for three months, I readily admit I was rather depressed, but that was a side effect. In fact, the sleeplessness caused by the tinnitus was worse than the tinnitus itself.
Lifting my mood wouldn't make much difference if I still couldn't sleep.
Remeron, however, makes you very drowsy. Not at first. But after a couple weeks, my limbs felt like lead weights within an hour of taking the pill, and I finally got a full night of sleep. I had given up hope that would ever happen again, so it was a magnificent experience. I hesitate to say it was like being reborn, but it was close.
For the next month I did nothing but work my day job (which I had managed to keep while the rest of my life fell apart) and sleep. My brain felt like it had been grated raw. It was sore in ways I find hard to describe and which probably make no sense, medical or otherwise.
It's taken three months, but I finally feel back to normal. Three months of sleeplessness, three months to recover.
And so we get to the main point of the post: there is hope. Hang in there. It gets better. You can do this.
Here's what's worked for me:
1) Keeping white noise devices around at all times. Early on, this was especially important. Multiple devices can help, too. I use a humidifier (absolutely wonderful, lots of frequencies mixed together, varied), a phone app (also good, but one note), and an electric heater which I just put on 'fan' mode. I position them in different locations so the noise comes from multiple directions. That seems to help for some reason. Focus on one noise, then, when the tinnitus threatens to overwhelm it, switch to another noise. Repeat as necessary.
2) Avoiding quiet environments except for…
3) Listening to the tinnitus roughly 10 minutes per day in an environment I control. The idea is to listen the tinnitus it, accept it (it likely is not going away), not let it irritate me, and become acclimatized to it.
4) Exercise. Tires me out and makes sleep easier to reach.
5) Avoid caffeine. I love coffee, but it can make the tinnitus louder. I drink tea now, and only in the mornings. Every now and then I drink some coffee, but it's very rare.
6) Yoga and meditation. Yoga is fantastic as the poses are complex, my coordination is terrible, and it requires a lot of concentration. Meditation is much more difficult than it used to be for me, but if you add counting backwards, or anything else that complicates it, there's less brain power left over to concentrate on the tinnitus.
7) Remeron. This medication I credit with saving my life. I'm not kidding. It may or may not work for you. There are others to chose from. See your doctor.
8) Do not let medical professionals turn you away if you are entering a state of extreme distress. They may try to brush you off. Don't let them. Be polite, but be stubborn. Canadians naturally don't want to make a fuss. Go to the ER if you have to. In fact, I was advised to not only go, but to refuse to leave until treatment was offered. Kick up a fuss. Better to be a pain in the ass than dead, and the squeaky wheel gets the grease, as they say. The ER is not there for the convenience of doctors.
Lastly, here are some supportive words from Captain Kirk himself, who got it fighting a Gorn:
You are not alone.
We now return you to your usual channel of post-apocalyptic mayhem.
But the case of Robert McIndoe, 52, made me reconsider.
A lot of medical professionals think tinnitus is a minor problem, and for many, it is.
But it wasn't for Mr. McIndoe.
It was drove him over the edge. He got it about a month before I did and didn't sleep for three months. He tried acupuncture, alternative medicine, and visited three hospitals and two doctors. But he didn't get help in time.
First he tried to kill himself with an overdose of sleeping pills, and then later he stabbed himself to death. From the inquest:
'Having said that, the fact that this man repeatedly requested referral and walked across London from hospital to hospital, paid for private consultation, was seen by an ENT specialist and a psychiatrist, but had not started treatment three months after damage to his ears, is a shameful reflection of professional communications and access to services in the NHS.'
I, too, was knocked off kilter by the initial onset of tinnitus. At first I thought it would be a mere nuisance, that it would go away, that it would get better and everything would return to normal. But it didn't.
The big difference between Mr. McIndoe and I is that, one, I imagine his tinnitus was much worse than mine, and two, I thankfully got better medical care.
After three months of not sleeping I began to think my future was limited. I went so far as to make out my will. From the article, it seems Mr. McIndoe took steps along these lines as well.
It's understandable. My reasoning was shot, I felt dizzy, constantly nauseous but endlessly hungry, had migraines, saw spots, and experienced sensations in my head I'd never felt before and would rather not feel again.
The initial shock of tinnitus leads to poor decision making. No question about it. Sleep deprivation makes it worse. Three months with no sleep and a smoke alarm going off constantly beside your ear will make you do funny things.
So I sympathize with this guy.
If you have recently acquired tinnitus, first, you have my sympathies, believe me. Secondly and more importantly, know that it does get better. There is hope. As you have no doubt already read, the first three months are the worst. They're right. That seems pretty standard among sufferers, and it's what I read on discussion forums over and over.
After three months, you start putting together coping mechanisms that help you deal with the noise.
Early on I spent one night at the foot of my fridge on the kitchen floor because it was loud and emitted a noise close to the tinnitus. And there's a bathroom on the second floor where I work that I like because the fluorescent light bulb emits a loud, obnoxious hum that masks the ringing.
You'll never view sound quite the same way again.
The first thing you need to do is get sleep again. That's priority number one, as it will make you much, much stronger and more capable of dealing with tinnitus.
The solution for me was Remeron, which is primarily an anti-depressant. The doctor I was dealing with seemed to think this (depression) was my primary problem, and after dealing with tinnitus and sleeplessness for three months, I readily admit I was rather depressed, but that was a side effect. In fact, the sleeplessness caused by the tinnitus was worse than the tinnitus itself.
Lifting my mood wouldn't make much difference if I still couldn't sleep.
Remeron, however, makes you very drowsy. Not at first. But after a couple weeks, my limbs felt like lead weights within an hour of taking the pill, and I finally got a full night of sleep. I had given up hope that would ever happen again, so it was a magnificent experience. I hesitate to say it was like being reborn, but it was close.
For the next month I did nothing but work my day job (which I had managed to keep while the rest of my life fell apart) and sleep. My brain felt like it had been grated raw. It was sore in ways I find hard to describe and which probably make no sense, medical or otherwise.
It's taken three months, but I finally feel back to normal. Three months of sleeplessness, three months to recover.
And so we get to the main point of the post: there is hope. Hang in there. It gets better. You can do this.
Here's what's worked for me:
1) Keeping white noise devices around at all times. Early on, this was especially important. Multiple devices can help, too. I use a humidifier (absolutely wonderful, lots of frequencies mixed together, varied), a phone app (also good, but one note), and an electric heater which I just put on 'fan' mode. I position them in different locations so the noise comes from multiple directions. That seems to help for some reason. Focus on one noise, then, when the tinnitus threatens to overwhelm it, switch to another noise. Repeat as necessary.
2) Avoiding quiet environments except for…
3) Listening to the tinnitus roughly 10 minutes per day in an environment I control. The idea is to listen the tinnitus it, accept it (it likely is not going away), not let it irritate me, and become acclimatized to it.
4) Exercise. Tires me out and makes sleep easier to reach.
5) Avoid caffeine. I love coffee, but it can make the tinnitus louder. I drink tea now, and only in the mornings. Every now and then I drink some coffee, but it's very rare.
6) Yoga and meditation. Yoga is fantastic as the poses are complex, my coordination is terrible, and it requires a lot of concentration. Meditation is much more difficult than it used to be for me, but if you add counting backwards, or anything else that complicates it, there's less brain power left over to concentrate on the tinnitus.
7) Remeron. This medication I credit with saving my life. I'm not kidding. It may or may not work for you. There are others to chose from. See your doctor.
8) Do not let medical professionals turn you away if you are entering a state of extreme distress. They may try to brush you off. Don't let them. Be polite, but be stubborn. Canadians naturally don't want to make a fuss. Go to the ER if you have to. In fact, I was advised to not only go, but to refuse to leave until treatment was offered. Kick up a fuss. Better to be a pain in the ass than dead, and the squeaky wheel gets the grease, as they say. The ER is not there for the convenience of doctors.
Lastly, here are some supportive words from Captain Kirk himself, who got it fighting a Gorn:
We now return you to your usual channel of post-apocalyptic mayhem.
Magnum Thrax REALLY has a five star average now
Okay, before it was sort of a half-truth that the book Magnum Thrax and the Amusement Park of Doom had a five star average. It only had one rating, so technically that probably doesn't qualify.
Well, now it has TWO ratings, both five stars, so I can honestly and without moral qualm claim it has the coveted five star rating average.
And if it falls, well, I'll just ignore the change as long as I can.
Take that, reality!
Best of all, my two reviews are not by people I know, nor did I pay them. No threats were made, no hostages taken, no illegal drugs provided, no sexual favours given.
These reviews are for real and for true, based upon the text, and only the text.
Now a five star rating is not something you might expect for a book with 'amusement park of doom' in the title, I grant you. A lesser writer would never have tackled such a toxic term and incorporated it into their masterpiece.
I have reclaimed the term for the highest kind of literature. The sort Hemingway would have written if he got hit in the head with a brick.
You know what I mean.
Well, now it has TWO ratings, both five stars, so I can honestly and without moral qualm claim it has the coveted five star rating average.
And if it falls, well, I'll just ignore the change as long as I can.
Take that, reality!
Best of all, my two reviews are not by people I know, nor did I pay them. No threats were made, no hostages taken, no illegal drugs provided, no sexual favours given.
These reviews are for real and for true, based upon the text, and only the text.
Now a five star rating is not something you might expect for a book with 'amusement park of doom' in the title, I grant you. A lesser writer would never have tackled such a toxic term and incorporated it into their masterpiece.
I have reclaimed the term for the highest kind of literature. The sort Hemingway would have written if he got hit in the head with a brick.
You know what I mean.
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Magnum Thrax has a five star average review rating on Amazon.com!
Okay, it only has one review.
It's a great one though, and warms the cold cockles of my cruel heart. Someone enjoyed the book, and that, somehow makes it all worthwhile. Never mind the vast sums of coffee money it has generated, the ten bucks means nothing to me.
But saying Magnum Thrax and the Amusement Park of Doom (A SEO name drop, naturally) has one positive review just sounds kind of, oh, I don't know–needy. Far better to say it has the much coveted and highly prestigious five star average rating. Because marketing. Disingenuous hyperbole is what makes it professional sounding. And this is a shameless hype machine of a blog, unburdened by advertising rules and regulations and truth and all that nasty stuff that keeps us from embellishing our accomplishments with thick layers of lies and fabulist exaggerations. And what is a novel, if not the work of a fabulist?
Besides, the five star average may not last long, and like the Dodo may never be seen again (despite all the devout effort of de-extinctionists everywhere), so I better capitalize on the opportunity and shout it from the virtual rooftop of an unread blog in the middle of the great internet wastelands.
Or is it presumptuous of me to assume that my blog is in the middle?
It could be coveted real estate.
Perhaps there are other worthy unread blogs that are competing for pride of place in the middle of nowhere. If so, let me just reassure you that there's enough room in the emptiness for all of us. Let us draw warmth from each other and our outrageous dreams.
I took a screenshot to capture the five star average for all eternity:
They say one should never respond to a review, positive or negative, so I will say nothing but that I am going to raise a glass filled with an alcoholic beverage and drink all of it while thinking of the unmentionable.
I will say no more.
It's a great one though, and warms the cold cockles of my cruel heart. Someone enjoyed the book, and that, somehow makes it all worthwhile. Never mind the vast sums of coffee money it has generated, the ten bucks means nothing to me.
But saying Magnum Thrax and the Amusement Park of Doom (A SEO name drop, naturally) has one positive review just sounds kind of, oh, I don't know–needy. Far better to say it has the much coveted and highly prestigious five star average rating. Because marketing. Disingenuous hyperbole is what makes it professional sounding. And this is a shameless hype machine of a blog, unburdened by advertising rules and regulations and truth and all that nasty stuff that keeps us from embellishing our accomplishments with thick layers of lies and fabulist exaggerations. And what is a novel, if not the work of a fabulist?
Besides, the five star average may not last long, and like the Dodo may never be seen again (despite all the devout effort of de-extinctionists everywhere), so I better capitalize on the opportunity and shout it from the virtual rooftop of an unread blog in the middle of the great internet wastelands.
Or is it presumptuous of me to assume that my blog is in the middle?
It could be coveted real estate.
Perhaps there are other worthy unread blogs that are competing for pride of place in the middle of nowhere. If so, let me just reassure you that there's enough room in the emptiness for all of us. Let us draw warmth from each other and our outrageous dreams.
I took a screenshot to capture the five star average for all eternity:
They say one should never respond to a review, positive or negative, so I will say nothing but that I am going to raise a glass filled with an alcoholic beverage and drink all of it while thinking of the unmentionable.
I will say no more.
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Quest for an Audience Part… uh…
So, where am I with all this self-publishing schtuff? This online flim-flam word jam? What have I learned from writing Magnum Thrax and the Amusement Park of Doom?
A lot, actually.
Great deal about writing, of course. POV. Editing. Character development. Plotting. Structure. Outlining. Nanotechnology. Fonts. Coffee. The pros and cons of eating various types of junk food while pounding a key board (the winner: wine gums. No fuss, no muss, last awhile, kinda chewy, interesting texture, sweet).
Mostly I've learned what not to do (Doritos. Awfully messy).
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| I totally think Shakespeare was going in this direction when he died. MacBeth would be so much better with fembots, lasers, and explosions, don't you think? I wonder why don't they let me in English classes? |
Things are very different from 2010. Like Netscape 1994 vs. Chrome 2015. Night vs. day. Burning centre of the sun vs. far side of Pluto, yada yada. You get the general idea.
There are lots of free books out there. Thousands and thousands, and hundreds of new ones every day. It's difficult to even give books away unless you have an absolutely captivating cover and bang on blurb. Think concise. High concept. Story outlines that can be conveyed in one single, sweet sentence and still blow people's minds.
To rise above the vast ocean of books, you need to write populist material which gains readers and reviews quickly. Otherwise, your book sinks into oblivion.
And you need to be fast and capitalize quickly on success. Write a 'book' (30,000 to 45,000 words) per month, all part of the same series, and keep pumping them out in order to stay in the spotlight.
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| How am I going to squish all these stupid ads into this one page? Is it even possible? |
Writing one book will get you nowhere and no readers.
You need a series.
And of course there are exceptions that prove the generality.
All of which, in hindsight, seems blindingly obvious. Of course you need a series. Of course you need to define your 'property' quickly, simply and memorably. If I'd bothered to do the research, I'd have known all this going in.
I suppose I kind of did, in my typical butt-backward, muddled sort of way.
It's always been tough to make headway as a writer. Most books put out by traditional publishers sell under 500 copies. And publishers carefully pick through the materials they receive, rejecting virtually all of them. They publish only a small handful of what they consider the very best submissions. The cream of the crop. And these select, elite few still lose money most of the time. They require megahits to pay for not just their rents and salaries and promotional costs, but for all the money losing books as well.
It's like that in film and music too.
Seems like a crazy business model if you stop and think about it. Like setting out to make widgets, only 99 per cent don't work and cost money, and I bet the farm on the 1 per cent that do to pay for everything else. It just sounds weird.
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| Going... into... banner... overload... UNNNH |
But I can do you, dear (imaginary) reader, a favor: if you have somehow stumbled across this site in search of answers, and you are an aspiring writer, I can tell you this, in all honesty and humility: get your behind over to kboards, The Passive Voice, or Dean Wesley Smith's site and take a gander at what they have to say. Smith in particular seems to have his head screwed on straight. I think he may actually be a real person too, which is nice to see on The Internets.
Oh yeah: I've now done the free book promo deal. Yessir: moved about 1,400 copies, which is pretty good, all things considered (people don't know me from a stranger standing outside their window late at night). Don't know if that will lead to reviews or not. We'll see. That was the primary objective, but it's not something I have any control over.
Something I can control: wrote a couple short stories set in the Thraxverse to put up in the wake of the freebie promotional blitz. Got one up on Kindle now for 99¢: Future Fossil, a Magnum Thrax Short Story. I think it's fun, wild and whacky and just plain crazy, but YMMV.
And that's about it. I'm pretty happy with my due diligence in regards to my book and efforts to get the word out, even if my advertising banner campaign was utterly inept. I compared myself to Douglas Adams, which just the kind of outrageous and dubious claim real marketers might make. Take that, internet curmudgeons! Sadly, cheeky ad banners don't work.
Now I face a dilemma: do I write more in the Thraxverse, or try something else? Like, say, standing outside windows, or randomly washing motor vehicle windshields at intersections? Perhaps I will try and build a functioning spacecraft out of macaroni (see if anyone gets THAT reference).
Without much in the way of feedback, it's hard to say. I had fun writing the book, imagining a whacky future reality and a creating a slew of off-beat characters.
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| This is way too wide for my blog, but by God... boundaries cannot contain me! RAAAH-- |
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| My one and only mobile ad. One day, it will be a valuable collectible item. I suggest you pull it off onto your drive immediately. |
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| Booyah, biatches! |
Monday, February 16, 2015
Future Fossil: A Magnum Thrax Short Story
Return to a screwed up future filled with mad mutants, religious raptors ushering in the rapture, and scantily clad fembots totting big guns. Because tropes are great fun.
The opening:
The leopard spotted tank raced across the searing hot salt flats, pulling a train of wagons loaded with oak barrels. A large, Vegas-style sign spun atop the turret, emblazoned with ‘Pleasurepit Five’ in neon pink.
The vehicle slowed as it approached a rock formation that jutted out of the salt ocean. It paused, engine revving.
The ruin of a big purple transport rig lay forlorn in the sand to the right. The windshield had been shattered and the glittering purple paint was streaked by ragged claw marks.
Far above, in the crystal blue sky, drifted advertising clouds shilling products that hadn’t been made for a thousand years.
The tank's cupola swiveled towards a cleft in the rock to the left, wide enough for a vehicle. There were signs on either side of the entrance, promising water and goods for gold, and death for those who couldn’t pay.
The engine roared. Greasy smoke belched from rusted exhaust pipes. The tank charged up into the narrow passage, clipping the sides of the granite canyon. Sparks and stone chips sprayed out form each impact as the tank raced recklessly forward.
Several harrowing hairpin turns later, the metal beast pulled out of the canyon’s cool shadows into a gloriously sunlit sand cove. The walls were lined with stacked, makeshift residences constructed out of salvaged materials looted from ancient buildings. Along the north face, cog wheels mounted on steel supports suspended a rickety freight elevator over a thirty-foot wide hole in the ground. Above it was a wooden sign that proclaimed, "Welcome to Utan Oasis."
The top turret hatch popped open, and an impossibly good looking man stuck his head out. Full head of glorious hair, sharp cheek bones and square jaw. Genetically enhanced. He wore wrap around sunglasses and a Seventies-style white disco suit that never, ever got dirty.
His name was Magnum Thrax. He was eighteen.
“Kal!” he called. “Kal! Where are ya, buddy? It’s Thrax!”
Silence.
“KAL!!!"
Thrax swore. It’d been a week since he’d last had radio contact with his friend. He bit his lip and scanned the compound.
No one in sight.
Dust blew.
An unsecured door clattered in the wind.
Thrax tapped on the tank surface with the butt of his rifle, and hauled himself out. “C’mon, ladies. Time to play hide and seek.”
Other hatches clanged open and five impossibly beautiful women, wearing skimpy outfits of latex, fishnets, and camouflage, clambered out. They hefted incongruously large energy weapons that hummed with gigawatt-voltage menace.
“No sign of your friend?” asked one of the ladies. She wore a white armband with a red cross on it. Thrax struggled to remember her name. Candy. Team medic.
“Nada. Gotta find him,” proclaimed Thrax, roughly running a hand through his hair. "I gotta!"
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