Wednesday, August 7, 2024

Ewoks are cute rubbish, but still rubbish

Ewoks are fuzzy, divisive little furballs. The entire Star Wars fandom is basically split into two camps: those who hate them, and those who LUUUV the cute lil' bipedal Tribbles. One side will never convince the other. 

It is a state of Civil War. And sometimes not so civil.

When anyone says the ewoks defeating the Empire is implausible, the standard response now seems to be: ever heard of Vietnam?

Yes, 100%, George Lucas was consciously drawing inspiration from the conflict in Vietnam when he created Star Wars: he saw the Evil Empire as the US of A and Richard Nixon as The Emperor. Originally, he intended the wookies to be in the ewok insurgency role, but since he didn't think he'd get to film the entire story, he threw Chewbacca into the first film, and for Return of the Jedi, cut the wookies in half and made them ewoks (roughly half the letters, too. Cute).

This, however, is irrelevant: as presented in the film, it still isn't plausible, and the Vietnam comparison is only valid on the most abstract level.

First, the ewoks are stone age hunter gatherers (and cannibals, willing to eat any humanoids they capture for extra calories, which suggests they don't have the best diet) who live in small villages. Cannibalism is usually only done when alternative food sources are scarce. 

They aren't nomadic, as their village is large and built off the ground, presumably to avoid predators, which suggests they are not at the apex of the food chain (or they war with nearby ewok tribes, in which case they are fractured). 

Vietnam left the stone age thousands of years ago. It was a nation aspiring to be a state, with a vibrant and flourishing civilization, occupied by France (and Japan) when the liberation war started. It was agrarian, with a population of roughly 60 million (in the 1960s), with large cities and developed infrastructure. While the Viet Cong may have been willing to fight with bamboo spears, they were far, far more likely to be armed with Kalishnikov automatic rifles, which were roughly equivalent to the M16s used by the American GIs (and in some ways superior, Kalishnikov's being more rugged and easier to maintain in the jungle).

Second, Vietnam was funneled billions worth of weapons, ammunition, artillery, tanks, anti-aircraft batteries, and jets (complete with Russian pilots) by the USSR and China. 

There is no question the US enjoyed a military edge, but it was hardly rifleman vs. spearman. 

Third, the ewoks are short with stubby limbs. They move slowly and awkwardly. In Return of the Jedi, they can barely manage a trot, much less run. They are not capable of throwing spears, or swinging weapons, with the force or range that a human sized equivalent could. They're cute and cuddly, sure, but not particularly capable. The latter feeds into the former: they read as children, or puppies. Space puppies!!! Their obvious helplessness is part of their endearing appeal and cuteness. 

Fourth, there is no compelling reason for nearby tribes to join this one village in its fight against The Empire. The tribe is likely at war with them to begin with (hence their tree fort). Otherwise, what threat does The Empire even pose? They are only there to protect the shield generator. 

Fifth, the Emperor claims an entire legion of his 'best troops' are on the surface of Endor. This suggests at least divisional in size, so between 5,000 (Roman legion) and 15,000 troops (US division). How is a hunter gatherer village of 150-300 ewoks (300 being the typical cap on hunter-gatherer community size) taking on such a force? How are they even gathering up enough villages to match it in size, and transporting all those troops into one area to fight? Where is all the food coming from? Are they just planning to eat the Imperials? 
 
Sixth, the Vietnamese never won a full on assault against a large, well supplied American division-sized force. Yes, they laid siege to isolated outposts very successfully, employing copious amounts of artillery, but that's not the same thing as attacking a tank armed with a stick, while toddling about like a four year old. And while the Tet Offensive was a tremendous political success while simultaneously being a costly military failure, the only option open to the ewoks was purely military in scope. 

If I absolutely had to pick a military comparison, I'd pick The Battle of Isandlwhana over any comparison to Vietnam. The Zulu defeated a modern British army (equipped with rifles, rockets, cannon, and even a couple gatling guns, if memory serves), using only asegis and guts. It was one of the worst military defeats in British military history. 

But the Zulu were not hunter-gatherers: they were farmers, hence they were able to assemble a large fighting force (thanks to surplus food production provided by agriculture). They were tall and capable of running all day, whereas ewoks weeble wobble and fall down. As originally conceived, with wookies, yes, it'd feel much, much more plausible (though it doesn't solve the population density issue). Throw in scary rancor-like trained monsters, the wookies (or even the ewoks) kept as 'pets', and it's at least believable in the moment.

Are the ewoks a stand in for those oppressed by Colonialism? Did George Lucas intend for the wookiee/ewoks to represent the Vietnamese? Yes and yes. Do they, as presented in the actual film, match the capabilities and effectiveness of the Vietnamese? Not in the least.

It should also be noted that the narrative of Evil Imperialist USA and Good Noble Freedom Fighter Viet Cong is an oversimplification of what happened in South East Asia, just as the counter narrative is. Yes, the US body count obsession contributed to a lethal mind set, there were massacres like Mai Lai, and the carpet bombing of the Ho Chi Min trail, and factories in North Vietnam (in operations like Linebacker, which killed large numbers of civilians... perhaps inspiring the Death Star? Or is that more sperm and egg?). At the same time, the communists were arguably even more oppressive and brutal than their corrupt South Vietnam counterparts, and racked up quite a body count of villagers who opposed their policies. We know far more of American failings, thanks to a free press (particularly Seymour Hersch), than we do of what went on behind the scenes in North Vietnam. 

Lucas did what he could to make the ewoks look formidable with traps, and the scenes depicting walkers being taken down by rolling logs and such were a lot of fun, so entertaining I didn't care about feasibility. But that didn't work for the ewoks themselves. It felt like Lil Leia running from bounty-hunters: an indulgent parent play fighting with their kid. 

Which ties in nicely to George Lucas' emphatic view that Star Wars is for children. For him, this sort of staging is a feature, not a flaw. 

I would argue that the first two films were all-ages, general audience, and that it was with Return of the Jedi he swerved heavily towards children (okay, also The Christmas SpecialAnd the ewok films. And, and, and...). Phantom Menace also felt like a kids flick. With the conflict built around trade negotiations. Go figure. 

Star Wars is for children. I get it. Arguing it still makes sense as cogent political commentary, plausibly presented, however, doesn't fly (unless we are talking about Andor, which is fabulous and quite definitely not focused on toddlers). On an abstract level, sure, I can take away the underlying sentiment, but the ewok victory is STILL not plausible, on a practical level, as presented in the film.  It works as kids' logic (I wish it so it's true!) but not on an adult level. If you classify it specifically as a children's film, the criticism goes away, as it's not relevant. We don't expect adult logic to constrain kids films. 

That said, I thought the ewok victory was implausible as a kid, too. 

I guess it depends on the kid, and what age range you're looking at (6-8 vs. 9-10 vs 11-12... they can all be very different in terms of what they'll accept narratively).

Monday, May 27, 2024

Star Wars Hotel deep dive

Jenny Nicholson went on a Star Wars Hotel Cruise so we don't have to. 

She gives what I thought was an in-depth, detailed and fair review. Well. What I saw of it. I mean, it's four hours long. 

She throws out ideas they might have done that sound better than what they actually did. 

I wanted to be a Disney Imagineer when I grew up; so much of what they have done is genius. 

But not this. 

It sounds awful. 

Tuesday, February 13, 2024

Midjourney v6

Once more into the AI, breech, dear friends!

I stopped using Midjourney with v4, when the generative AI platform began to look commercially viable. 

Most of the images I rendered back in 2022 needed to be fixed up, edited by hand in ProCreate to remove glitches, fix hands, and other The Thing style horrors. 

The fixes were relatively minor, overall. But they needed the finishing touches. 

Now? 

Midjourney v6, from what I've seen, has solved glitches and hands. The software has vastly improved, and at an incredible pace. 

I've seen illustrations in online magazines rendered by AI. They're all over stock sites, even though they aren't supposed to be (or so I'd been led to understand... how do you sell something that can be shared freely?). 

The strange artificial 'plastic' feel is still there, although less extreme. Creative prompt crafting can diminish it further. 

I still have quite a stack of imagery rendered back in 2022, and I've fixed up a number in ProCreate. They look pretty cool. 

But I don't think I'll be posting any more (not that anyone is looking anyway). 

The impact of these AI renderers (and AI writers) is increasing. How the law will eventually deal with them, I have no idea. If they keep improving, companies focused on the bottom line will use them more and more. That will impact all the creative arts: why get into a field where you can be replaced by the click of a button?

Generative AI is amazing in so many ways, and it's a ton of fun to play around with. I can see why some people have become addicted to it. But the potential human cost, to arts and culture, is incalculable.




Saturday, February 10, 2024

Day of the Zombie Franchise

Franchises weren't really a thing (well, baring ancient, medieval and religious myths) until the Penny Dreadfuls of Victorian London. Cheap, 1 cent pamphlets filled with lurid tales of mayhem, murder, adventure and lascivious escapades. Sherlock Holmes was born out of that swamp. and Solomon Kane came soon after. Edgar Rice Burrough burst onto the franchise scene with John Carter and Tarzan, who were soon followed by a flood of others, from Flash Gordon to Zorro

Film franchises started to take off in the late sixties, with James Bond and Planet of the Apes. Star Wars put the franchise phenomena into overdrive, and blockbuster sequel cinema arrived every summer. After the flick you could go to a fast food franchise, like McDonalds

Star Trek came back from the dead thanks to legions of die hard fans (coupled with the success of Star Wars, which had dollar signs floating before the eyes of studio execs). Batman and Superman brought us two long running franchises; more recently, we've been doused in MCU

Franchises are sucking up all the air, and then some. 

I'm so old now I've seen franchises rebooted not once, not twice, but three times. And still the suits in Hollywood will not stop. Not while there is a buck to be made! 

Inevitably franchises outlive their creator. Whatever message or meaning they imbued the property with is lost, and it lumbers on, soulless, consuming money like some kind of ravenous undead memetic monster. 

Zombie franchises exist for one purpose, and one purpose only: to make money. That's it. It IS a business. But most creative people don't get into it just for the money; they want something more. They want to say SOMETHING. Beyond 'Give me your money,' that is.

The Combine cares first and foremost about the bottom line. That's why we have been inundated with lame remakes and reboots composed of pureed narrative mush for decades. Thankfully, miraculously, there are gems of sheer brilliance to be found in the chaff, brought into existence by force of will, creative genius, and selfless cooperation. 

But the mush? They'll keep making that until we stop watching. 

It's the only way to really kill Jason, Freddy, Wayne or Parker.

Monday, January 22, 2024

Samurai Patrol

Samurai patrol

A samurai runner bot out on patrol in the Midwest. Farming communities repurposed all manner of robots to protect their homesteads from threats.

Lion Guardian

Lion robot

A Kansan Lion guardian robot on the plains, hunting for raider incursions to dismember. Technicians retrofitted robotic lion heads from amusement parks onto loader bots refitted with massive rending claws and a few fusion blasters to make for a truly formidable apex predator of the plains. 

Sunday, January 21, 2024

Troglodyte monuments

troglodytes

These are monuments to the great troglodytes, one shortly after moving underground, and the other millennia later.